How to Be Evil – Hail Satan! Homeschool

I like astrology. Do I, a secular humanist, necessarily believe that when I was born the planets shot out some power beams that would determine my personality, talents, sex appeal, and tendency towards knee pain? I think the best way to prove it would be to try my hand at writing your horoscope. Choose your sign, marked below by the time of your birth, and comment if your homeschooler horoscope matches you perfectly!

Aries (rain season)

You fantasize about educating all of the world’s children without breaking a sweat but your own kids keep having to correct you.

Taurus (still raining)

I don’t know where you came up with your homeschool schedule but it sucks and your kids hate it.

Gemini (getting warmer)

You want all of your curriculum to be free and end up finding materials that suck or need to be organized. Imagine you trying to organize something!

Cancer (summer birthdays? yuck)

If you don’t quit putting off planning the next school year your kids are going to end up in jail. You also need to replace your smoke alarm batteries.

Leo (barely missed summer)

Stop giving other homeschoolers advice. Are you kidding me? You NEED the advice.

Virgo (no one cares if you were born on the 21st)

Are you sure you want to homeschool your kids? You do realize you’ll need to take them places where you’ll be expected to “GASP!” socialize with other people.

Libra (boring time of year)

Let me guess. You’re “nature schooling” and never know where your kids are.

Scorpio (dressing as themselves for Halloween)

Scorpios don’t homeschool. They’re either too drunk or never had kids and who can blame them?

Sagittarius (late autumn losers)

Most of the curriculum you use is hyper-religious and full of inaccuracies and you’ll never know because that would require doing some research. Do you even know how to use a computer?

Capricorn (sad Christmas baby)

You’ve “decided” and changed your mind on your curriculum and a schedule three times now. Settle on something or send your kids to public school before registration is over!

Aquarius (lucky bastards)

You don’t need to keep lying about your kids only getting 30 minutes of screen time a day. Everyone can tell they get a lot more.

Pisces (cold but no snow)

Get your kids vaccinated, you fool!

_{Featured image art by the talented and generous Kim Holm.}

Hail, How to Be Evil

Hail Satan! Homeschool: the manifesto

June 23, 2025September 3, 2025 GobbyR

No, I don’t worship the devil, but I do believe in questioning authority and raising kids who think for themselves.

If someone asks why I chose to teach my kids I say it’s because I just really hate hall passes. Remember how other faculty would talk to you if you didn’t have one? Outrageous. Actually, it’s because I’m over-educated yet underemployed, and because the current school system is built on colonization and outdated standards. Public school was a sensory and learning nightmare for myself and my oldest child. At home the curriculum is better, the schedule makes sense, there’s significantly less chance of physical danger, and no goddamn commandments on the wall. The only thing we struggled to find was a good community.

I eventually found that community and more options for socializing my kid, but on that journey I noticed something gross. The homeschool community is lousy with “God-centered”, “faith-based” (faith not specified but we know what they mean) curriculum. That’s not a surprise. What I wasn’t prepared for were all of the “neutral” and “secular if you blink” curriculum. Now, blatant religious curriculum (not to be mistaken with religious studies) is brainwashing. Full stop, no debate. Neutral and what I like to call “selective-secular” curriculum is special because it lies to kids and educators. Science that ignores evolution and climate change? That’s not scientific. History that erases BIPOC and LGBTQ+ voices in order to please the religious buyers is dishonest. It’s not education, it’s straight fucking pandering!

As a card-carrying non-theistic Satanist and a natural shit-stirrer, can I propose that homeschooling be a little more wicked? I don’t mean making blood sacrifices (or educational neglect). We need to clearly communicate that we’re so secular we are downright blasphemous. We should be wearing our pentagrams as we navigate the horrors of the wholesome $300+ curriculum cobbled together by people who think Christopher Columbus was an intrepid person of color or that Harry Potter is the gold standard of children’s lit. I wanna know who my people are! As of 2025, if you do a search for the top recommended secular curriculum you’ll see: portrayals of Indigenous people as extinct or primitive, “comprehensive” history written by someone who refused to include LGBTQ+ figures, language arts curriculum with bigoted statements, curriculum written by a couple of “biblical marriage counselors”, and that’s just the greasy tip of that shepherd’s rod. The devil’s in the details and I’m here to inspect them all.

So here’s what I have to offer!

Recommendations for truly, OPENLY secular, anti-racist, neurodivergent and LGBTQ+-affirming curriculum and resources written by people with integrity
Tools and printables that I make myself (full of corruption but free of lies)
Book lists and vendors that don’t suck
Laughs, hopefully

What I will not offer:

Neutrality at the expense of truth
Prayers
AI art or cheesy demonic public domain images like “so and so eating his son” or “vlad”
Other stuff. Still finding my stride, ok?

Hail Satan. Hail yourself.