Hell’s Horoscopes for Homeschool Educators

I like astrology. Do I, a secular humanist, necessarily believe that when I was born the planets shot out some power beams that would determine my personality, talents, sex appeal, and tendency towards knee pain? I think the best way to prove it would be to try my hand at writing your horoscope. Choose your sign, marked below by the time of your birth, and comment if your homeschooler horoscope matches you perfectly!

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Aries (rain season)

You fantasize about educating all of the world’s children without breaking a sweat but your own kids keep having to correct you.

Taurus (still raining)

I don’t know where you came up with your homeschool schedule but it sucks and your kids hate it.

Gemini (getting warmer)

You want all of your curriculum to be free and end up finding materials that suck or need to be organized. Imagine you trying to organize something!

Cancer (summer birthdays? yuck)

If you don’t quit putting off planning the next school year your kids are going to end up in jail. You also need to replace your smoke alarm batteries.

Leo (barely missed summer)

Stop giving other homeschoolers advice. Are you kidding me? You NEED the advice.

Virgo (no one cares if you were born on the 21st)

Are you sure you want to homeschool your kids? You do realize you’ll need to take them places where you’ll be expected to “GASP!” socialize with other people.

Libra (boring time of year)

Let me guess. You’re “nature schooling” and never know where your kids are.

Scorpio (dressing as themselves for Halloween)

Scorpios don’t homeschool. They’re either too drunk or never had kids and who can blame them?

Sagittarius (late autumn losers)

Most of the curriculum you use is hyper-religious and full of inaccuracies and you’ll never know because that would require doing some research. Do you even know how to use a computer?

Capricorn (sad Christmas baby)

You’ve “decided” and changed your mind on your curriculum and a schedule three times now. Settle on something or send your kids to public school before registration is over!

Aquarius (lucky bastards)

You don’t need to keep lying about your kids only getting 30 minutes of screen time a day. Everyone can tell they get a lot more.

Pisces (cold but no snow)

Get your kids vaccinated, you fool!

_{Featured image art by the talented and generous Kim Holm.}